{"id":1253,"date":"2023-01-23T11:23:16","date_gmt":"2023-01-23T16:23:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/greatermentalhealth.org\/?post_type=article&#038;p=1253"},"modified":"2024-05-15T16:32:48","modified_gmt":"2024-05-15T20:32:48","slug":"the-lens-of-loss-perspectives-of-family-members-following-suicide-loss","status":"publish","type":"article","link":"https:\/\/greatermentalhealth.org\/ht\/articles\/the-lens-of-loss-perspectives-of-family-members-following-suicide-loss\/","title":{"rendered":"Lantiy p\u00e8t la: p\u00e8spektiv manm fanmi yo apre p\u00e8t swisid"},"template":"","class_list":["post-1253","article","type-article","status-publish","hentry","article_type-articles"],"acf":{"details":{"featured_image":"","article_type":11,"description":""},"page_layout":[{"acf_fc_layout":"component_page_intro","_acfe_flexible_toggle":"","component_page_intro":{"short_title":"","copy":"When we think about the suicide of a loved one, we think of profound loss, of grief, of finding a way to endure amid unyielding pain. But we gain something in the aftermath, one nearly as burdensome. It is a new perspective: Loss becomes a lens through which life is lived. And it can be difficult for many to see through the blur.\r\n\r\nFor three members of Greater Mental Health of New York's (<em>formerly known as The Mental Health Association of Westchester at the time of publication<\/em>) Board of Directors, much as with anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one to suicide, that lens is ever-present. Their success in regaining clarity has been mixed.\r\n\r\nThe phone call 8\u00bd years ago that changed Sean Mayer\u2019s life forever was not exactly unexpected. His brother, Ryan, had suffered from an array of mental health challenges for 20 years and had attempted suicide three times. The difference this time was that he had succeeded.\r\n\r\nMayer for years had told his wife that he thought his brother would die by suicide one day. He spent those years steeling himself for that seeming inevitability.\r\n\r\nAnd yet, when the call came, Mayer, a longtime editor who prides himself on attention to detail, realized that no amount of preparation could have readied him for that loss. Nor could it have prepared him for the reality that loss \u2013 and the potential for loss \u2013 would become such a focal point.\r\n\r\n\u201cMy parents and their sanity became my singular focus,\u201d he said. \u201cI needed to get them through a pain that can\u2019t possibly go away to a reimagined existence where it is OK to live and even to laugh. I didn\u2019t have the time or the energy to do my own grieving. But I didn\u2019t know any other way.\u201d\r\n\r\nSince his brother\u2019s death, Mayer alone has been responsible for helping his parents \u2013 a mother nearby with increasing and worsening health issues and a father leading an isolated existence 1,300 miles away in Florida \u2013 navigate the hurdles brought on by aging. \u201cFor someone plagued by his own depression and anxiety, it can be exhausting,\u201d he said. \u201cBut what is truly draining is the fear that history can repeat itself.\u201d\r\n\r\nMayer\u2019s oldest son, 16, suffers from anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. He does very well in school despite his difficulty studying, and he has a girlfriend and close friends. But he is prone to bouts of exhaustion and moodiness. Mayer said he and his wife are rarely at ease.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, Mayer\u2019s identical twin sons, 13, excel in school \u2013 seemingly no grade below a 95 is acceptable despite their parents\u2019 protestations to the contrary \u2013 and they are talented musicians, with both already targeting Juilliard for college. There will be countless auditions, and the pressure and competition will be ratcheted up. Mayer fears they will burn out \u2013 and then what?\r\n\r\n\u201cThat lens of loss, or potential loss, is like a cataract \u2013 it clouds all that I see and do. But a cataract can be removed; that lens will be with me forever. I ache for just one day of unimpeded vision.\u201d\r\n\r\nJeanette Fairhurst\u2019s daughter, Ali, was 23 when she passed, with the only warning to family of expressed suicidal ideation coming once, five years earlier.\u00a0Fairhurst, her husband and their son were together when they heard the news and bonded by getting Ali\u2019s pets from her apartment. Fairhurst\u2019s son led the way in being open about Ali\u2019s suicide on social media. They chose to celebrate her life at her funeral alongside speaking about her intermittent struggles with depression.\r\n\r\nFairhurst knew she had to continue to see joy amid her loss. \u201cI will always be a mom to both my son and my deceased daughter,\u201d she said. \u201cTo be effective, I create space for living and grieving.\u201d\r\n\r\nThere is no right way to grieve, and the Fairhursts respected their differences while trying to help each other and consulting professionals for help. Her husband and son were more inwardly focused, but being a scientist at heart, Fairhurst needed to learn and share her experience to prevent similar outcomes. Within a few months, she attended The Mental Health Association of Westchester's first-ever <a href=\"https:\/\/greatermentalhealth.org\/about\/community-engagement\/\">Community Conversation<\/a>, where Mayer moderated a panel on suicide prevention.\r\n\r\n\u201cHearing directly from those surviving the loss of family and those who had attempted suicide was painful but so helpful,\u201d Fairhurst said.\u00a0\u201cThere were recognizable elements that made me feel connected.\u201d\r\n\r\nBuilding an association with The Mental Health Association of Westchester has helped Fairhurst heal and uniquely honor her daughter while helping a vital organization. A Sock-It-To-Stigma raffle brought a fun twist while raising funds and suicide awareness, and Fairhurst brought <a href=\"https:\/\/greatermentalhealth.org\/trainings\/\">suicide prevention classes<\/a> from MHA Westchester to her workplace. The presentations sparked her founding of the Regeneron Resilience Is Essential (RisE) employee resource group. What started as sharing resilience strategies evolved to include sharing mental health challenges and fighting the stigma of those challenges at work. It has been a ground-breaking outlet for the group\u2019s 600 members to help each other and themselves.\r\n\r\nFairhurst shared that, to let joy and grief coexist, she views others with more empathy. Often, others feel ashamed for bringing up their \u201clittle problems\u201d to her. But she believes all problems are valid and need to be addressed for healing to occur.\r\n\r\n\u201cThe grief of a son or a grandmother is no less important than that of a mom,\u201d she said.\u00a0\u201cWe need to find ways to live life fully as families and yet let ourselves grieve individually or together to be our best selves for each other.\u201d\r\n\r\nYvonne Tropp has faced many losses in her long life, including two husbands. But the loss of one of her grandsons, Nick, to suicide in 2018 has brought a different challenge: helping her daughter and Nick\u2019s brother with the lasting effects of Nick\u2019s loss while keeping her fond memories of him alive.\r\n\r\nNick grew up with Asperger\u2019s Syndrome. At the conclusion of his senior year at a private high school, he spoke from the stage of the school chapel, telling everyone about the ups and downs of his life for the first time. He had attended therapy sessions for many years.\u00a0 At the conclusion of his talk, many students praised and hugged him, then wished him well in college.\r\n\r\nHe was about to graduate from college in December 2018 when an unexpected situation overwhelmed him. He told his Reformed University Fellowship (RUF) friends that he planned to stay in his apartment after graduating, then enter graduate school that September. They told him that, as a college graduate, he would not be able to continue to participate in RUF events, as it is an undergraduate campus ministry.\r\n\r\n\u201cHe did not call his mom to let her know this,\u201d she said. \u201cIf he had done so, she would have told him to take two more courses and graduate the following June.\u201d Instead, without communicating with her, he died by suicide on campus.\r\n\r\nTropp remembers that the college staff was supportive and got her daughter and son-in-law to smile a little. During the memorial service on campus, many students attended and talked about Nick fondly. A few years later, a wonderful memorial space overlooking the water was built with Nick\u2019s name engraved, and there were fond remembrances from his RUF friends.\r\n\r\nTropp sees the effects on the family.\u00a0She knows her daughter will never get over Nick\u2019s loss despite having a supportive therapist. They still go places Tropp loves, places where they were previously very social.\u00a0But her daughter doesn\u2019t feel like socializing much now, and this limits their interaction with others. Meanwhile, Nick\u2019s brother was very close with him and won\u2019t talk about his loss. Tropp said he is hugely upset and misses his brother enormously.\r\n\r\nStill, Tropp relishes the time with her daughter and grandson. She tries to keep them smiling more than crying.\r\n\r\nTropp knows her grandson is smiling down, while she is smiling up at him. She chose to share what Helen Keller once wrote about creating memories: \u201cWhat we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.\u201d\r\n\r\n<em><strong>Jeanette Fairhurst, Sean Mayer, <\/strong>and <strong>Yvonne Tropp-Epstein<\/strong> are Members of the Board of Directors of Greater Mental Health of New York, formerly known as The Mental Health Association of Westchester at the time of <a href=\"https:\/\/behavioralhealthnews.org\/the-lens-of-loss-perspectives-of-family-members-following-suicide-loss\/\">this publication in Behavioral Health&nbsp;News<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em>","show_sidebar":false,"sidebar":{"label":"","image":null,"name":"","title_role":"","text":"","links":null}}},{"acf_fc_layout":"layout_resources","_acfe_flexible_toggle":"","component_resources":{"heading":"Postvention Services at Greater Mental Health of New York","description":"","posts_resources":[{"type":"manual","title":"Learn more about our Postvention Services","description":"","link":{"title":"Postvention Support Services","url":"https:\/\/greatermentalhealth.org\/postvention-services\/","target":""},"content":null},{"type":"manual","title":"Learn more about our suicide prevention trainings, which can easily be tailored to the needs of your workplace, event, or organization.","description":"","link":{"title":"Trainings","url":"https:\/\/greatermentalhealth.org\/trainings\/","target":""},"content":null}]}}]},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>The Lens of Loss: Perspectives of Family Members Following Suicide Loss &#8212; 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